Squirrel Pasty

Leave it to a man over 3x my age to inspire me to get back to writing. My good ol’ Grumpy Gramps. The same guy that taught me all the words to the Too Fat Polka when I was like 5 yrs old…a song sometimes heard at October Fest with that oh so memorable choras of:

“I don’t want her, you can have her, she’s to fat for me. HEY!” 

Inspiring positive self imagery aside. My Grandpa is pretty awesome. He’s a constant reminder that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be smarter than him. Nor will I ever beat him in any game, of any kind, on any day, under any circumstance.

But one of my Grandpa’s most discussed features among my friends is his adventurous palate. He has a particularly noted dish of baked squirrel. 

Like any good sportsman, the man kills em himself. You touch his bird feeder, BAM! And into the freezer.

Recently my cousin sent my family an article about a gentleman that has started using squirrel meat at his bakery to make pasties. If you don’t know what a pasty is, look it up, but it’s basically meat and veggies wrapped up in a flaky pastry like goodness. The bakers reason to replace the traditionally used beef with squirrel is a health conscious one. Squirrels primarily consume nuts and fruit. Which does indeed qualify them as a healthy little rodent meat substitute. And apparently health freaks just love it.

In addition to squirrel, my grandpa makes pasties, and good ones. So my response to the email on which my Grandpa was included admitted my fear of consuming the next batch of pasties my Grandpa prepares now that he’s been made privy to the squirrel meat option. 

This was his reply…

“Hey Christiney weeny, 

    Was extremely happy to hear from you and will keep you on my list of pasty subscribers. However, as I mentioned to Embo, the squirrels are getting a little scarce around here. Maybe you could talk daddy Jeff into bagging a few of those delicious treats for me and I can save them and cook them up for your next arrival. 
    I don’t know what all you heard from Embo, but I am definitely in the pasty making business and am SERIOUSLY contemplating doing it commercially as I don’t seem to be doing too well on the stock market. After all, your favorite grandpa wants to leave all of his grandchildren (you included) something to remember him by. So, I was thinking either a stuffed squirrel or a twenty five dollar gift certificate. Personally, which do you prefer? I don’t want you to make a quick and harsh judgment. Take you time and give it a lot of SERIOUS thought. After all, a stuffed squirrel might bring you a small fortune someday and with the inflation rate continuing to climb, that twenty five dollars in twenty years (after I pass on to heaven) just might not be worth too much.
    Well, I have a lot of things to do this A.M. and I am slowing down in my youthful age, so, I will have to conclude this wonderful piece of literature with the usual hugs, kisses ands all of our love

  Na and devine grandpa.”

I replied…

“Dearest Devine Grandpa, 

So sorry I have to be the one to share this… but I believe this year the squirrel population in Mecosta decided to move south for the winter with their comrades the birds. Something about “pasty poaching” was mentioned on their way down. 
Darn, huh! I was really hoping we’d have a chance to dine on them together. Not to mention what an enticing financial adventure going squirrel pasty commercial would have been. 
I am bummed. 
Guess you’ll have to stick to your original recipe. 
Also - I appreciate the stuffed squirrel offer so much - but what with all my allergies to animals that start with the letter “s” and end in “rrel”, I really don’t think I could keep the stuffed guy in the house. It would be so sad to have to subject my meaningful stuffed squirrel memento from you to a dark, cold, locked, sealed, dudgeon, far far far away from where anyone would ever find it or raise the question, “So, tell me again Christine? Why did your Grandpa give you a stuffed squirrel?” due to a few unwanted sniffles. But, you know how it is, allergy doctor says!
So - $25 it is! Thanks bunches Grumpy. You do too much. 
Love you,  Cuddly Christiner Wiener”

About 2 weeks later he replied…

“Hello curdly Christiner whatever,

    I first want top let you know that I am a mind reader and you have been thinking one or more of the following:
1. I wonder why that dumb jerk hasn’t responded to my email. Nothing more from me until he responds.
2. You made me feel bad about my squirrel pasty poaching.
3. I bet that old fool forgot who I was.
4. He probably doesn’t even have the $25 he talked about and won’t even leave that to me.
5. He was probably hoping that I wanted one of his wall mounted squirrels just so he could get rid of one of those ugly things.
    Well, none of the above is correct. Actually, you can select any of the following, which are all true:
1. I didn’t know how to respond to such a wonderful letter. (ha ha)
2. My mind doesn’t think as fast as it used to and it takes me a long to think of what to say. (think like a week or so)
3. I have been extremely busy with my chores which takes me a lot longer to conquer than it used to.
4. Being a two finger typist, I had to rest up my fingers as they got really worn out with the last letter that I wrote you.
5. Although you were very high on my priority list, there were other people who I owed emails to.
6. I will think of other reasons for future response delays but will write them down and store them away.
 
    All kidding aside, I was very happy to hear from you  but I must remind you to keep all the emails clean as I show them to Na and sometimes to your mommy. Now to get down to business. Regarding the squirrel population in Mecosta, you may have a point about them heading south as I haven’t been able to, uh, bag one of them since our last communication. Asked Jeff for help but he hasn’t done me any favors yet. In fact, whether true or not, he said that he hasn’t seen any squirrels lately either. However, since I have had no action with the squirrel pasty creations, I have moved on to other things that you just might find of interest.
    Since our last communication, I have many topics to write about. I just hope my fingers last long enough to complete this message. As you might know, our fruit trees were successful in bearing fruit this year and I had the honor of gathering a lot of their products. First, it was some apples, and you must know your grandpa by now, never wastes anything. So I decided that I would make some apple sauce. Now, I really don’t want to brag or anything but what can a guy do? After sampling the finished  product,  Na, your mommy  and Auntie Denise said that if I would have entered my the delicious nectar of the GODS  into any contest, I probably would have won first place. So, I want you to remember, if you are a good girl and you visit us at the proper time, I may let you sample some of it. That is if your mommy or anybody else doesn’t steal the priceless stuff.
    The next thing on my work agenda was caused by the fact that all of the peaches on our trees ripened within three days. Since we had about a half bushel of those wonderful things, what I couldn’t give away, I decided to freeze for future peach pies. But, our freezer has limited capacity, so, I decided that I could make some wonderful peach jam with the remaining peaches. Now, with my technical computer knowledge, I found a peach jam recipe on the internet that by applying my uncanny abilities, I could make a jam that most people would die for. Unfortunately, I guess I needed a little more experience than I had as we re-classified the finish product and call it peach syrup but the flavor is excellent. So, if you enjoy pancakes, you might just want to try some in the future. 
    Now, just before I created these tasty morsels, I also created real beaf pasties and after the peach syrup creation I also created mince meat for future mince meat pies, but I will save these latter two discussions for another letter, knowing that I now have you spellbound and as such, you will respond to this email quickly just so you could here the intimate details of those creations. Besides, my two working fingers are really getting tired out and I do want to keep you in suspense.   So, talk to you later……… Your ever loving Na and Grandpa… p.s. Don’t want you to feel bad, but the stuffed squirrels are now spoken for, so, no stuffed squirrel for your you or your children. boo hoo…..”

Once I was done laughing, I thought about how I better make damn well CERTAIN that when I’m his age I’m writing just as witty emails to my grand-kids. 

Which means, no more writing lapses. I fear this is an instance in which if you don’t use it, you loose it.

Although I do already have one up on the guy since I use all 10 fingers to type.

Holy Matilda, 

-C