How to be Amazing, and Take Over the World

Squirrel Pasty

Leave it to a man over 3x my age to inspire me to get back to writing. My good ol’ Grumpy Gramps. The same guy that taught me all the words to the Too Fat Polka when I was like 5 yrs old…a song sometimes heard at October Fest with that oh so memorable choras of:

“I don’t want her, you can have her, she’s to fat for me. HEY!” 

Inspiring positive self imagery aside. My Grandpa is pretty awesome. He’s a constant reminder that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be smarter than him. Nor will I ever beat him in any game, of any kind, on any day, under any circumstance.

But one of my Grandpa’s most discussed features among my friends is his adventurous palate. He has a particularly noted dish of baked squirrel. 

Like any good sportsman, the man kills em himself. You touch his bird feeder, BAM! And into the freezer.

Recently my cousin sent my family an article about a gentleman that has started using squirrel meat at his bakery to make pasties. If you don’t know what a pasty is, look it up, but it’s basically meat and veggies wrapped up in a flaky pastry like goodness. The bakers reason to replace the traditionally used beef with squirrel is a health conscious one. Squirrels primarily consume nuts and fruit. Which does indeed qualify them as a healthy little rodent meat substitute. And apparently health freaks just love it.

In addition to squirrel, my grandpa makes pasties, and good ones. So my response to the email on which my Grandpa was included admitted my fear of consuming the next batch of pasties my Grandpa prepares now that he’s been made privy to the squirrel meat option. 

This was his reply…

“Hey Christiney weeny, 

    Was extremely happy to hear from you and will keep you on my list of pasty subscribers. However, as I mentioned to Embo, the squirrels are getting a little scarce around here. Maybe you could talk daddy Jeff into bagging a few of those delicious treats for me and I can save them and cook them up for your next arrival. 
    I don’t know what all you heard from Embo, but I am definitely in the pasty making business and am SERIOUSLY contemplating doing it commercially as I don’t seem to be doing too well on the stock market. After all, your favorite grandpa wants to leave all of his grandchildren (you included) something to remember him by. So, I was thinking either a stuffed squirrel or a twenty five dollar gift certificate. Personally, which do you prefer? I don’t want you to make a quick and harsh judgment. Take you time and give it a lot of SERIOUS thought. After all, a stuffed squirrel might bring you a small fortune someday and with the inflation rate continuing to climb, that twenty five dollars in twenty years (after I pass on to heaven) just might not be worth too much.
    Well, I have a lot of things to do this A.M. and I am slowing down in my youthful age, so, I will have to conclude this wonderful piece of literature with the usual hugs, kisses ands all of our love

  Na and devine grandpa.”

I replied…

“Dearest Devine Grandpa, 

So sorry I have to be the one to share this… but I believe this year the squirrel population in Mecosta decided to move south for the winter with their comrades the birds. Something about “pasty poaching” was mentioned on their way down. 
Darn, huh! I was really hoping we’d have a chance to dine on them together. Not to mention what an enticing financial adventure going squirrel pasty commercial would have been. 
I am bummed. 
Guess you’ll have to stick to your original recipe. 
Also - I appreciate the stuffed squirrel offer so much - but what with all my allergies to animals that start with the letter “s” and end in “rrel”, I really don’t think I could keep the stuffed guy in the house. It would be so sad to have to subject my meaningful stuffed squirrel memento from you to a dark, cold, locked, sealed, dudgeon, far far far away from where anyone would ever find it or raise the question, “So, tell me again Christine? Why did your Grandpa give you a stuffed squirrel?” due to a few unwanted sniffles. But, you know how it is, allergy doctor says!
So - $25 it is! Thanks bunches Grumpy. You do too much. 
Love you,  Cuddly Christiner Wiener”

About 2 weeks later he replied…

“Hello curdly Christiner whatever,

    I first want top let you know that I am a mind reader and you have been thinking one or more of the following:
1. I wonder why that dumb jerk hasn’t responded to my email. Nothing more from me until he responds.
2. You made me feel bad about my squirrel pasty poaching.
3. I bet that old fool forgot who I was.
4. He probably doesn’t even have the $25 he talked about and won’t even leave that to me.
5. He was probably hoping that I wanted one of his wall mounted squirrels just so he could get rid of one of those ugly things.
    Well, none of the above is correct. Actually, you can select any of the following, which are all true:
1. I didn’t know how to respond to such a wonderful letter. (ha ha)
2. My mind doesn’t think as fast as it used to and it takes me a long to think of what to say. (think like a week or so)
3. I have been extremely busy with my chores which takes me a lot longer to conquer than it used to.
4. Being a two finger typist, I had to rest up my fingers as they got really worn out with the last letter that I wrote you.
5. Although you were very high on my priority list, there were other people who I owed emails to.
6. I will think of other reasons for future response delays but will write them down and store them away.
 
    All kidding aside, I was very happy to hear from you  but I must remind you to keep all the emails clean as I show them to Na and sometimes to your mommy. Now to get down to business. Regarding the squirrel population in Mecosta, you may have a point about them heading south as I haven’t been able to, uh, bag one of them since our last communication. Asked Jeff for help but he hasn’t done me any favors yet. In fact, whether true or not, he said that he hasn’t seen any squirrels lately either. However, since I have had no action with the squirrel pasty creations, I have moved on to other things that you just might find of interest.
    Since our last communication, I have many topics to write about. I just hope my fingers last long enough to complete this message. As you might know, our fruit trees were successful in bearing fruit this year and I had the honor of gathering a lot of their products. First, it was some apples, and you must know your grandpa by now, never wastes anything. So I decided that I would make some apple sauce. Now, I really don’t want to brag or anything but what can a guy do? After sampling the finished  product,  Na, your mommy  and Auntie Denise said that if I would have entered my the delicious nectar of the GODS  into any contest, I probably would have won first place. So, I want you to remember, if you are a good girl and you visit us at the proper time, I may let you sample some of it. That is if your mommy or anybody else doesn’t steal the priceless stuff.
    The next thing on my work agenda was caused by the fact that all of the peaches on our trees ripened within three days. Since we had about a half bushel of those wonderful things, what I couldn’t give away, I decided to freeze for future peach pies. But, our freezer has limited capacity, so, I decided that I could make some wonderful peach jam with the remaining peaches. Now, with my technical computer knowledge, I found a peach jam recipe on the internet that by applying my uncanny abilities, I could make a jam that most people would die for. Unfortunately, I guess I needed a little more experience than I had as we re-classified the finish product and call it peach syrup but the flavor is excellent. So, if you enjoy pancakes, you might just want to try some in the future. 
    Now, just before I created these tasty morsels, I also created real beaf pasties and after the peach syrup creation I also created mince meat for future mince meat pies, but I will save these latter two discussions for another letter, knowing that I now have you spellbound and as such, you will respond to this email quickly just so you could here the intimate details of those creations. Besides, my two working fingers are really getting tired out and I do want to keep you in suspense.   So, talk to you later……… Your ever loving Na and Grandpa… p.s. Don’t want you to feel bad, but the stuffed squirrels are now spoken for, so, no stuffed squirrel for your you or your children. boo hoo…..”

Once I was done laughing, I thought about how I better make damn well CERTAIN that when I’m his age I’m writing just as witty emails to my grand-kids. 

Which means, no more writing lapses. I fear this is an instance in which if you don’t use it, you loose it.

Although I do already have one up on the guy since I use all 10 fingers to type.

Holy Matilda, 

-C

What a powerful bunch of pedals you have!

I’m sitting at my dining table looking at a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from my lover. I also just finished a workout and topped it off with a bag of chips, so maybe it’s the endorphins combined with the high salt content, but my mind just got all philosophical on these Lillie’s ass.

Why do we enjoy getting and giving flowers?
 
1) They’re a symbol of endearment

and

2) They’re absolutely beautiful

But most of all…

3) They speak!

Despite the fact that admitting this makes me feel like a desperate hoarder, I keep all of the notes from flowers that I’ve been sent over my lifetime. In fact, one is in my wallet right now.

It’s kinda cool when you think about the fact that the gift of flowers is a way to express a message louder than saying it, even when there isn’t a note with them. From “I’m sorry I ruined your life” to “I love you” to “I’m proud of you, Kudos” to “Thanks for the sex” to “Get well, it’s annoying having you sick” to “Look at how good I am at greeting you when you get home,” they can say anything you want. But with flowers, you get to say things a lot louder than if you actually just literally said them. Flowers are more like yelling what it is you want to say.

Except yelling is obnoxious and flowers are nice, sweet and often fragrant.

Flowers are an intangible bunch of items you look at that have the ability to alter human emotion or instigate a desired reaction.

I think the gift of flowers is a super neat human phenomenon. Way to go mankind.

H is coming to Chicago this weekend. #ohbaby,

-C

Viva El Peru (I don’t even know what that means.) Queso!

AMIGOS!

I went, I conquered, I returned with bruised toes. How to do Machu Picchu, 101.

Approximately 5 months ago I spastically booked a 4 day trek in Peru. It twas February. I was at work (oops) and had about 5 minutes before I had to run for the elevators to catch a train home to MI for the weekend when I took the Pay Pal deposit plunge.

You have to book a spot on the Inca Trail IN ADVANCE. Spots are limited and fill up extremely fast. As a result, the way I remember the moment of truth, when I actually laid down the cash to hold my place, was as it being an act completed purely out of nervousness that I wouldn’t have the option to book if I waited until the next day (I was right.)

A couple hours after the credit card charge I texted the boyfriend something along, “OH MY GOD, WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO TO PERU.” And so it began…

We booked a flight based on our trek schedule a few days later. A couple months lapsed and I remembered we needed a hostel for the nights we wouldn’t be in a tent. El Tuco ended up being our Cuzco hostel of choice, It was definitely the right one. I recommend.

The next thing we knew, the trip was upon us.

Gear was the first order of business, and where else would someone in the Chicagoland area go to get geared up for adventure than Uncle Dan’s. We hit up 2 of my stores in one day, Southport and Evanston, and with the guidance of our off the chain staff and management, we were prepared from apparel to eating utensils.

After a broken elbow and series of energy draining colds, frankly, I had no idea if I had the stamina to make it on the trail. But after shopping, dammit, I could look and talk the part like a pro.

We then got our shots and altitude meds (necessary, don’t try the trip without them) and I started practicing upping my water intake. I made copies of my passport, got our itinerary into reliable hands, and enjoyed the anticipation.

We left on June 10th.

You arrive to the city of Cuzco 2 days prior to the trek to get acclimated to the altitude.

I love Peruvians. I can’t think of a single sole that wasn’t exceptionally kind to us during our stay. Plus, they. like. to party. they like. they like to party.

Cuzco, Peru enjoys a full month of celebrations and parades during the month of June until June 24th, Solstice. It’s a tradition passed down from the Ketchwa culture, more commonly believed to be Incan. Shocking, I know.

What we believe to be an entire race of pepole, Inca, is actually only one person, the king. The story goes, when the Spanish invaded and the Ketchwan people kept telling them to see Inca, they mistook the name for the king as the culture itself. Today, most of us still think the ancient culture was “Incan.” It’s not. Stop kidding yourselves.

We spent our first day in Cuzco eating and sleeping (altitude adjustment). And woke up on day 2 refreshed. One of the best things about hostels are the people you meet, and meet we did. We spent a day with a couple from San Francisco who were heading to a well known market in an outside town, Pisac. The market was fantastic fun. We haggled, argued about leather hats, ate enormous corn kernels, and saw more products made out of Al Paka than I ever thought possible. In the afternoon we went to the Sacred Valley, ruins from the Ketchwan days. In the evening we ate pizza. It was a great day.

At 5 am the next morning, we headed for the Mountains.

If you want to do the 4 day Inca Trail trek you have to do it guided with a tour company. If you fall madly in love with my words today and find them haunting your dreams until you book this trek yourself, use Peru Treks! They are the best. They are one of the most affordable. They are the best.

The trek was awesome (ehem, Sometimes I wanted to die. What? No seriously.)

History lesson:

The Inca trail doesn’t need to take 4 days. There is a path for trading goods that is only a 6 hour hike from the start to Machu Picchu. But, the 4 day trail was the trail of choice for the Ketchwan people. Prior to arriving in Machu Picchu they needed to purify their conscience. Which you know, whatever, that’s awesome. So for 4 days, they purified, and hiked. So did we.

I couldn’t help but wonder along the way if the fact that I was in the back of the group struggling the most meant I was the one with the guiltiest conscience. Ponder…

I have never experienced views like I did on the Inca Trail.

Every time you pause, every time you look up, you’re stunned. One moment you’re staring down at a gorgeous river and valley and the next up at mountains capped with snow that you’ll never reach. One day you walk through “the forest of clouds” where you’re moving in and out of just that, the clouds; then through jungle like terrain and unbelievable forestry. Everything was beautiful.

Nothing seems unusual on the Inca Train, (including smelling really bad and being really dirty.) One day R and I made a turn and there on the trail was a Llama. Just straight chilling.

You also pass a lot of smaller ruins along the way. Spots that were used as places to sleep or lookouts for the trail. If you have a good guide, you get the chance to really learn a lot about the Ketchwan people on your way.

Unless you hire a porter, you carry your own bag on the trail. Normally, carrying your own stuff when you’re camping means lame meals and granola bars.

But on the Inca Trail there are 2 things nobody carries - your tent, and your food. Those are carried by your trek companies porters.

Everyday porters went rushing by us moving at 4x our speed with items as large as propane tanks on their back!! It’s WILD to see how well they navigate the trail. R asked our guide about the porters and why they wouldn’t leave up camp sites to save some weight. He told us part of the reason we travelled with so many porters and that we benefit from such incredible campsites, is for the cities job rate. The more extravagant our meals and our needs, the more people they are able to employ.

And it is so worth it!

The food was off the chain. Each meal was atleast 4 courses of deliciousness. Plus, several nights we were given various Peruvian brews as a night cap, all equally delicious and the perfect way to fall asleep. The meals never failed to amaze me and I constantly wondered if It were at all possible that I was burning enough calories hiking for it to mean anything with the amount I was consuming at each sitting.

We met the man behind the meals on our first night. Our guide brought our chef out to introduce him to us, before which he lit our flaming dessert on fire for presentation. “Anything can happen in the Andes.”

Nights are cold. From what I heard from my fellow trekkers, the rent-able sleeping bags didn’t seem to cut it. But I was equipped with a Lafuma Extreme90Pro, and I never complained of cold. I slept like an angel (as long as I didn’t have to go the bathroom which in the middle of the night in a tent is never inviting.) But be warned - several of the taller gentleman in our group had a hard time fitting in their tent, and those who were left without a Lafuma bag to keep out the cold didn’t feel so well rested. Also, If I did it again, I’d pack a version of an air mattress you blow up yourself. One couple had one and It looked way better than the bed roll Peru Treks provided, which may have been flatter than the ground, but I’m pretty sure it was just as hard.

In the morning the porters wake you up with a fresh cup of Coca tea to get you going. Boyfriend never drank his (loser) so I often got 2.

Don’t go on this trip if you’re not social or you’re hoping to find some solitude. You better be ready to bond with your group. You eat, sleep and sweat with the same people for 4 days. Our guide, Carlos, hilarious little man, constantly reminded us that we were a family. He was right. We had to be.

Our group was the bomb:

• 5 Fire Fighters - intimidating I know.
• 1 of their Girlfriends - who deserves much more mentioning that that as her energy and optimism was untouchable
• 1 Mom - a constant reminder that the trek was hard, but completely completable
• 1 Teacher - a constant reminder of the wonders travel can bring to your life and the devotion you can have to your work
• 1 Canadian - had been traveling for months without allowing societal expectations or finances to hold her back
• 2 Newlyeds - we had the pleasure of an awesome couple from London share their honeymoon with us, and give us the perspective on the royal wedding we didn’t know
• And obviously myself and the boyfriend - Midwest, represent

Plus our 2 guides:

• Carlos - a constant charismatic gem in our adventures
• And his sidekick, Manuel - who Carlos often announced as, “The Metrosexual”

On the last day of the trek you wake up before 4 am and start the day trekking in the dark. You arrive to Machu Picchu as the sun comes up and all the clean perfumed tourists who took the train from the city begin to arrive. After all the spectacular views you experience along the way, I didn’t think getting to the actual ruins would be that neat. But to see an entire ancient city set high in the mountains delicately placed as if it would fall off into an abyss with one tectonic plate movement, is pretty darn incredible.

Everyone asks me about the physical requirements to make the Inca Trail trek. I never really had a problem with extreme mussel pains until the end of the trek. (And trust me I felt it at the end. Everyone did.) So it was never a lack of strength that held me back, it was my breathing. That altitude will get ya. You know that heaving, gasping for air thing that happens after rushing up steps or running too fast/far, that you try to subdue because you know everyone around you is like, “wow that person is out of breath.” I pretty much felt like that for 4 days. The hike isn’t a vacation, it’s a challenge.

But it’s the most beautiful and rewarding challenge you could dream!

When I finally showered after 4 days of nothing but baby wipes to cleanse my skin, it kinda hit me that the trip was over. I spent months anticipating and mentally prepping for that journey. Like ending a really good book, the completion was a bitter sweet feeling. I can’t wait to get into the next story, but I’m sad that such an exciting chapter had to end.

I went 7 days without Coffee in Peru.
I hated it,
- C

Your Adventure, Our Gear…No, seriously!

I just damn well near deleted an email that ended up changing my day.

Like anyone, I periodically check my gmail during the day to make sure I’m not missing any important emails. I’m a newsletter whore, so I subscribe to a lot of stuff. Yet, depending on my time availability, I usually end up deleting anything I don’t “need” that isn’t from someone I personally know.

One of my daily newsletters comes from Summify, a program that aggregates my social media streams to send me the most important stories so I don’t have to sift through them myself. I enjoy it. But I don’t always have the time to read through it. Today was one of the days I didn’t have the time. So when I checked up on my gmail, I hovered my mouse over delete. I stopped myself when I saw Hugh MacLeod in the subject line. (What a guy.) I opted to open the email to see what he had said…

Hugh posted this guest blog post by Kathy Sierra.

It’s good. Read it.

I have that gosh darn inner pixie dust battle every day.

For anyone who doesn’t know, I finally settled on a job…a few months ago.

I am the “marketing person,” “director,” “manager,” whatever, for Uncle Dan’s - The Great Outdoor Store. I LOVE this job. I LOVE this company. I LOVE this business.

A huge part of marketing is extreme obsession. I whole heartedly believe that there is no such thing as good marketing if you won’t take a bullet for the business you’re promoting. There is good strategy without a willingness for suicide, but not good marketing.

I got into marketing because it just happened that way. I stayed in marketing because it became my passionate lover. Marketing is about instilling an emotional reaction. I love feelings. I like experiencing reactions. I’m into sentimental moments. I cry during commercials. I love being in love. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m not talking about Hallmark card crap. Ew. All I’m saying is, what’s the point of going through life with a flat lined heart beat? Metaphorically.

I wasn’t always like this. The more I spent time in marketing, and the more I realized I could create emotional enjoyment around something that wasn’t human or animal, the more emotional all other aspects of my life became.

I have a theory that School made me hard, but life has made me softer.

But there is a downside…

Love is painful. I’m kept awake at night by that haunting feeling that I may not be capable of changing the fate of Uncle Dan’s the way I want. All I want is to see it succeed. I’ve actually considered coming up with a way I could sit each person in Chicago down and talk to them about this incredible company.  One on one, with coffee. My job would be done. THAT would make a difference. But that ain’t happening. So instead, I pull my hair out trying to think of what else I can do. What magical idea will be the game changer that makes this family business the dominating outdoor store.

Then I read Kathy’s article. I didn’t even get to the end before I not only knew what she was saying, I knew exactly how to apply what she was saying to my day to day at Uncle Dan’s.

Yes, I fall into the traps she talks about. I’m absolutely guilty of preaching, “but social media is human.” It’s true, it is human. It’s me talking, and I’m real. The blog (coming soon) will be human too. The emotion that I put into every idea I come up with, my tiny versions of pixie dust, that’s all human. But she’s right. It will never be enough.

So we’re nice. Big woop.
So I hand out cool swag. Neato.
I put on good events (really I do, many cool ones on the way). But so what?

All these things are great fun, and they do “help.” They get people talking about your business and remembering you exist. But they aren’t the reason you’ll win. No matter how well executed they are.

I have to figure out how what I do, what we do, benefits the customer. How do we “help people become more interesting at their OWN next dinner party.” Or more likely campfire…in our case.  

I shopped in our stores to get ready for my trip to Peru on Friday.

BTW - I’m hiking Machu Picchu next week.

I’ve never done anything like this trek, and spoiler alert, I don’t know that much about the outdoor industry. But I’m learning. So when I went into Uncle Dan’s and was guided by our knowledgeable and enthusiastic staff on who, what, when, where to buy before I get on that plane to adventure, I was stoked by the amount of knowledge I walked away with. Now, I can explain to people why I got the gear that I did, what it’s benefits are, and why I picked the brands I did.

On Saturday I took my step-dad who was visiting Chicago to Uncle Dan’s and convinced him to purchase his first piece of Icebreaker. With the help of one of our staff, he learned everything he needed to know about why that piece was the right one. Icebreaker is quality shit. He walked away feeling great about that purchase. He talked about it at brunch, and then tried it on again at the apartment. Not because it looked good (he’s not that fashionable) but because he was so inspired by what it meant. At the end of the day, all the zip up is going to do is keep him really truly warm and comfortable. (Like forever because they don’t wear out.) That’s not that awe-inspiring. But to him, a guy that works outdoors in the winters of Michigan, that meant everything. He couldn’t wait to go back and tell the other guys he works with about it.

Today, our buyer took a phone call from a women shopping for her sons summer trip online. She paused her day, and spent time guiding this women through the site and around our products to make the best picks. Believe me, she had plenty of other things to do. But that bit of time she spent on the phone helping this lady who had no idea what she was doing, helped.

That’s what Uncle Dan’s offers.

That’s what I need to focus on.

We’re an education on the pieces of gear and apparel that make the adventures you seek in life possible. Be that how to feel confident on your first big trek, how to survive the winter, or how to fall asleep knowing you bought your son the right pair of pants.

Yes. You can get what we sell other places. We’ll always have competition. But we’ll never be just another outdoor retail store, we’re an education.

Word.
- C

Guilty, Again

Just offering a little, Hey, Hello, What’s up, Word to ya mother!

It’s been over a month since you’ve read a delicious post from us. I thought it necessary to let you know that we’re not done. HTBAATOTW just needs some fuel.

I guess we should have seen this coming when H moved away. Since our eyes first met in the dorms of MSU, we’ve always been eachothers inspiration.

Now, the match to my fire, the ying to my yang, the peanut butter to my rice cake, isn’t with me.

But, not to worry. Our repartee via blogging will be back. We always come back. Just be patient with us fans.

Can’t believe The Oprah Show is over,

- C

I Know

Yes, it’s been a very hectic time.

The planning, the gossip, the obsessive need for updates on every slight detail, as if any detail were too small at a time like this!  The whirl of introductions has been simply overwhelming, the constant barrage of new faces and the expectations that come with a new role both exciting and exhausting… All of the happy hours, the toasts, all in good spirit and part of this new phase of life, due preparation for all that is to come.

On top of that there is the idea of “settling” into a new place and surrounding oneself with an entirely new set of people.

Yes, it’s been a crazy few months.  Not the least bit of craziness coming from my developing tonsil-less tonsillitis. I guess all the excitement just got me. Drats.

Of course, I am talking about the Royal Wedding.  All these months of almost falling off the elliptical every time a Will and Kate update came on the screen will finally end tomorrow morning.  Oh sweet bliss.

Kate Middleton, I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately, but once you’ve settled just know there is a board position open here with HTBAATOTW for such a style icon as yourself.  I think all of us in the world domination biz could take a few pointers from you.  You truly deserve this quarter’s “How to be Amazing and Take of the World” notable mention.

Thank you for your constant appearance in every worthy magazine sporting those glorious hats, Ms. Middleton.  

As a side note, Ann Arbor, Google and I have been getting along swimmingly. I’d tell you more but then I’d have to kill you.

Just kidding!

Or am I?

Long live the Queen. Or something.

-H

The Mind is a Ridiculous Thing

Just a few minutes ago I texted the now Ann Arbor residing H:

Me, “I think I just had a complete mental breakdown about my life…” Followed by, “Why did you move!”

H replies, “Why DID I move?! Can you talk?”

Me, “No.”

H, “Call me later. You can tell me all about it and I’ll think of a story that will make everything seem ironic.”

Because of its ability to be so damn convincing, the imagination is one of the most frightening tools on earth

90% of the time, I love my imagination very very much..

But the other 10% I curse it for making me endure moments of crazy analysis that send me diving to irrational depths of contemplation about the reasoning behind why I do what I do.

I’m just trying to be satisfied and confident for a moment imagination. Leave. Me. Alone.

Trivia Night,
- C

Free Trials and Freemium Plans

I love free trials, return policies and freemium options.

I’m young, I have student loans, I don’t have much to spend, and I don’t like making purchases I might regret later. So heck yes, no matter how certain I am the purchase is right for me, I like to “try” first.

For example,  Techsmith products. I’m talking about the best screen capture software known to man, and tools that I can’t live without. Even when their 30 day trial starts nearing it’s close, I start to panic, get sweaty, confused and contemplative. Do I give my credit card now? Why do these pop-ups keep pressuring me by asking if I’m ready. Of coarse I’m ready…no I’m not…what if you disappoint me later…can we just talk about this first?!

Zappos - “What’s your free shipping?”

Zappos is an empire of online accessory sales built off the concept that no financial commitment equates to customer satisfaction. Free shipping, free return shipping…don’t you worry about making the wrong choice…just give it a try first

That strategy made Tony Hsieh the desired keynote at every entrepreneur conference in and outside the country. Good thing, because he deserves it. (If you haven’t read Delivering Happiness you absolutely should.)

Now, in theory, I know free trials and freemium plans are sales drivers. Once you get your shoes from Zappos, if they fit, you’re probably going to convince yourself that you’re totally going to wear them all the time. (Or at least once a year when you feel guilty for buying them) So they usually end up on the shoe rack next to the other shoes you “tried” out, kept, and now never wear.

But what have free trials and freemiums actually done to us socially….

We’re a society that can’t commit.

Products:

I expect a free trial on everything now. I buy a toaster. It’s a great toaster, but you know what, 20 days in I’ve decided I really want a toaster that shoots my toast into the air so I can catch it on a plate like PeeWee Herman. So I take it back and get the PeeWee toaster. Next thing I know I’ve got bread crumbs everywhere and an ant problem because, let’s face it, I wear trifocals and there is no way I’d actually catch the flying toast whilst it’s airborne, so I’m like, “that was a dumb decision, no BD, I’ll return it and get the first toaster, I liked that one.”

Love:

I’ve had this conversation many a time with H. People these days love to say, “we’re not dating.” Really? You aren’t? You go out to dinners and movies, you’re acting like those Dawsons Rivers kids sleeping in each others beds and what not, you hang out all the time and introduce each other to your friends. If that’s not dating, what is it that you are doing exactly? Filming a documentary? Eating food? Experimenting with the psychology of human emotions?

Why is it that my mom has to so intuitively inquire, “but I don’t understand, it sounds like he’s your boyfriend, if you’re not seeing other people, isn’t that what he is?”

No Mom, that’s ludicrous - let’s just call him my “exclusive unlabeled man-friend.” It’s easier. Trust me.

For those that do manage to make the put-a-label on it leap to boyfriend and girlfriend. Well done. But eventually you’ll have another step to make. Wedding bells!

No slow down. You’re not ready for marriage. Which is okay, you don’t need to be. You can just get engaged, that’s kinda like a trial run. Or, you could try living together and just see if you truly like each other enough to make this work. Yes, you’ve been together for 14 years, but you know, jut in case. In fact, maybe you should go to Vegas and get married for a weekend, essentially that would be like a fake wedding. A trial run. Just see if you like it.

In the end, you love birds will hopefully decide to give marriage a “try.” You’ll make that life long vow of sickness and health. But no worries, if you change your mind, you can always get a divorce and/or an annulment later.

Body Art:

Tattoos. Permanent? No, no, no - how popular is that new finagled industry that does like 17 laser treatments to remove what you felt so enthused about etching on yourself years ago.

Jobs:

Why do you think we succumb to unpaid internships? Duh. Trial version.



There is a loop hole to my theory, commitment sucks, but we like security. That’s why we crave loving relationships, consistent jobs with reliable incomes, owning homes and why no matter how much we fight with our family we still love them, they’re family, we need them to feel like things are as they should be.

But we don’t like it. I know I don’t like it. Like, why can’t I try out my new apartment for 30 days before I move in? What if I find a squeaky floor board, or it turns out my neighbor is the “naked guy” from Friends. Nobody wants to see that! Nor will I be able to anticipate “naked guy” when I’m sitting at the kitchen table making a pro vs. con list about the apartment. I need to experience it to truly make a defensible decision about moving in.

Need I say…

Darn you you incredibly amazing sales strategies of free trials and free plans with the option to upgrade later. You are the reason commitment makes me loose my appetite, drink an entire bottle of wine and end up basing my decision on what Rory decided to do in season 5 or 6 (because those were the seasons when she had a really great set of coats and dated Logan). Darn you to hell.

Armenia!
- C

Elizabeth Taylor, you are a classic.  

Yes, you were a knock out, but we all saw that flare beyond just your smoldering looks. You had spirit, you had talent, you had gumption!  

“I’m not like anyone. I’m me!”

Tonight at the bar, I will toast in your honor.

To the woman who had damn good style and damn good lovers!

A true American, may you rest in peace.

Decaffeinated Coffee. Classic.

(I refuse to give an explanation of my writing absence)
 
So as the picture H posted goes….I broke my elbow a few weeks ago. You can laugh, and make up names. I’ve actually got a running contest in my head of who’s humored me most impressively with their witty opinions on my elbows fate.  If you would like to throw in your own insult/joke of choice, I’ll add it to the circle of injury related hilarity.

Naturally, I’m sure you’re all very worried about what it was that happened that left me in such a state.

I really thought hard about how I would explain the injury when I was good and ready. But then, just now (like literally, just now, about 3 seconds ago), I decided I’m not going to tell you. Stretch your imagination. It’s not like “how” I broke my elbow has any impact on the fact that it’s broken.

Having a broken elbow isn’t so bad, and I like a good challenge, so I’m trying rise above all my one armed-ness to experience life in a whole new way. It’s truly fascinating to realize the things you can accomplish with only one arm. You learn to leverage your mouth and teeth a lot more (yeah…), and also your friends, roommates, coworkers, and male escort when necessary. And at the end of the day, you can do almost everything. Maybe not well, maybe not while looking suave, but you can do it. (Although I don’t recommend dancing, again, “can do” awkwardly, but that one left my elbow pulsing with hot stabs of pain last weekend.)

With that in mind, I shared with H, who shared with the inter-webs, that I want to make a list of all the things I’m going to do when my ulna heels and I again have two operating limbs:

• Go grocery shopping for heavy things and carry them in two arms.
• Throw my hands up in the air and wave them around like I just don’t care.
• Eat a sandwich with two hands (everyone should try eating a sandwich with one hand, it’s incredibly awkward).
• Buy a slingshot.
• Pose for a photo with my head resting on my left hand.
• Try on every single piece of clothing I haven’t been able to wear because it doesn’t fit over my cast.
• An act of left-handed lude behavior.
• Turn 23.
• Climb a tree.
• …

If you have them, comment with additions to my list, and I will do my bestest to accomplish every last one of them.

Now that we’re done with that, everyone STOP asking me If I’m going to be okay when you find out that H is moving!!!!!

I’M OKAY.

REALLY.

I’M

O. K.

And, No! That’s not a tear, something just flew into my eye…..and my new stash of waterproof mascara, regular coke, peanut butter and movies that teach you about the value of friendship like Now and Then are just a coincidence. Jeez.

Welcome back Sopo,
- C